Trust Without Borders // Venturing Out Into the Great Unknown

The shift from one season to another is always such an interesting place to find yourself, especially when the seasons are changing from, say, winter into spring. You spend so much time in the winter looking forward to the spring; dreaming of what it will feel like to thaw out a little, to see endless days of sunshine. Then, suddenly, as the spring surprises you with her arrival, you find yourself a little undone; where did you come from? I'm never quite ready for the shift.

{lyrics from a song I wish I had written [link below]}

That's where I [and my little family] find myself right now. I've been begging for spring, and suddenly, it's here, and I'm still trying to shed my winter layers. For months I've been waiting for every single shift that's occurring right now, and yet in the midst of it all I find myself a little undone. The past months have been a time for rest and recovery, and the coming [and current] months are about jumping in; about activating a few dreams that have been sitting dormant the last little while. It's spring [FINALLY holy crap] but I keep finding myself balking a little at the idea of shedding heavy winter coats.

Activating dreams is risky business; part of me much prefers introverted reflection. I'd really rather not take that leap of faith, or jump off the edge. I've been accused in my life of being all "Ready, Aim" and never quite "Fire." I'm having to change all that, though, and really break down the parts of me that keep me constantly stuck at "Aim". I've made tiny revolutions in this arena over the last few years, but it's come time to do the bigger work. Making leaps with haircuts, job changes, paint colors, relationships, moves, have all been the baby steps leading up to the big leap ... moving off of ready, aim and onto fire with my life-dreams.

Lead me where my trust is without borders. My heart is in my throat just typing that because I know what it means I need to do next. And sometimes it's hard to start releasing dreams into the open air when you're used to incubating them.

This song, though ... oh, this song. This song is the newest prayer of my heart as those parts of me get broken down and put aside. Isn't it bizarre to hear or read something that someone else across the globe has written and think, "THOSE are the words I've been looking for!"

Tiny Revelations

Oh, my poor neglected blog. I keep showing up here to write something and nothing seems right. Since I was here last [a month ago?] it feels like everything in me and around me has shifted one hundred and eighty degrees. And in a good way! I feel like I'm slowly coming back to life, and as all the lights are getting turned on again, I'm seeing things I haven't seen in me before.

One week into my 365 Project [see below] I had the stunning realization that I am not a hand-letterer. Calligrapher, yes. I'd even take modern calligrapher, as that's probably more accurate. But hand-lettering is something I'll leave up to folks like Sean McCabe and Molly Jacques. I'm okay with having an unfinished 365, because that revelation was pretty priceless, and it keeps me from banging my head against a wall trying to be something I'm not.

One week into February, I had a pretty earth-shattering realization that shifted how I felt about my [shh, I hate using this phrase ...] "life purpose". It's big, guys. And I'll tell you about it soon, I'm still trying to put the right words around it. But it's been rocking my world.

Three years into a full creative burnout and I'm finally coming back to life a little. I think I have kept up the appearance of living a creative life, but I haven't been practicing a fully creative life in actuality. An unexpected hiatus has turned things around in my world, though. I quit my creative job without any prospects for a new job; I've been on interview after interview, and have had more jobs fall through my fingers than I can count. It's been harder than I realized it would be; I had no idea how much of my identity as a person and a creative came from working and actively contributing to other people's dreams and visions. Coming to the realization that I don't view my own creative vision as holding any value or worth at all was a cold, hard wakeup call. Now, months after walking away from the job that was burning me out in every way, I'm finally coming back to life a little; having actual dreams, resting my body and my brain, starting to have some real, big, thoughts and revelations. It's been a long time coming.

A tiny little post, but lots of huge changes happening around us. It feels right to document the shift as it's happening.